My beautiful Nana A passed away peacefully last Thursday night ..
She went peacefully around 5.30 pm when Mum, Uncle Alan and Aunty Heather were with her .. after suddenly getting worse in the past couple of days.
I was so lucky to have seen her on Wednesday along with Abbie ..
It's so HARD to even comprehend that she is no longer here
Miss you so much already Nana
xxxxxx
Slinking to my goal ...
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Sunday, May 30, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Depressed much .. or just down ????
Here comes huge RANT!
OK I'm not doing well !!
Since Nana passed away in the middle of March it has steadily got worse ..
I got sick with that "virus" but I think that it's a culmination of everything that is going on .. I had blood tests to rule out "medical"stuff but they came back clear enough ..
The doc asked if I was stressed .. or depressed .. well there is so much going on that's depressive and stressful .. how could you not react .. but the reaction is getting out of control ..
I feel out of control ... spiralling towards a huge meltdown .. not a yelling and hitting and thrashing toddler tantrum .. more a go numb ..not react .. try not to feel kind of thing ..
Nana has got a lot worse .. she came out of hospital over a month ago now .. and was on oxygen occasionally .. she developed pulmonary edema over a week ago .. and was on ab's and during this time was on oxygen .. which was bumped up to 4litres .. this week she was kinda ok-ish on Friday .. not great .. tired but talking etc .. on Sunday when I visited after the HC event .. she was not talking hardly at all .. and seemed distracted .. that night she was suffering from chest pains most of the night and only told my aunty when she heard them up .. they called the doctor immediately and he has said there is more fluid on her lungs and has increased her morphine and she now has nasal medazalon .. and she is quite frightened to be left alone .. and so my Aunty is sleeping in the room with her. Mum was saying my aunty would wake up and it sounded like nana was up most of the night awake.
My Grandad is still hanging in there .. at the grand old age of 94 .. but is quite depressed .. he is in the hospital wing and although he is getting on in age .. his mind is quite active.. but it is body that has given out .. so he is amongst all the "ill" patients who have their heads lolling around all day .. or sleep all day .. and it's not doing the best for his mental health.
My good friend's daughter whose daughter has leukamia (and while being neutropenic contracted an infection in her lungs that travelled through her blood to her brain causing irrepairable damage to her brain) has now been told she is terminal and is now spending every day treasuring what little time she has left.
Cam is doing OK-ish at the moment .. he has his days .. and is mostly puffy when he wakes up .. but this seems to reduce during the day .. however his behaviour his gone to the dogs .. and so we feel something is definitely going on as he is sooo tired and the shadows under his eyes are getting darker and darker .. I just wish someone would get the liver and kidney scans sorted soon !! The "nagging" worry that isn't full on but is always there is getting me down ..
Stuff with C and I are "fair to midling" to say the least .. I just don't feel understood .. and if I mention depression .. it's a throw your hands up in the air kind result .. so I just can't be bothered .. but then of course it's nag nag about the lack of amorous action .. wtf!!!
The house is swallowing me up with all the "work" to be done .. the washing piling up .. the ongoing "kiddy" mess .. and the wardrobes spilling over out of the doors ..
C also is trying to get things sorted with the farms/pil retirement etc ..to give us some direction and this is good in the long term .. but in the meantime it's friggin stressful .. and with all that's going on with the farm this time of year the "breaking" point of his patience comes along quick.
My walking is going to the pack with all this yuck weather and with the way I'm feeling I just don't have the inclination to do any exercise on the "white elephant" treadmill sitting in the lounge taunting me every time I'm in there .. so of course the weight is piling back on again ... and like a couple of years ago it's a cycle that gets me down .. I eat because I'm down .. and then get down because of the weight gain .. and lack of discipline .. and so what do I do .. eat .. arrghh!
A is not settling at kindy very well .. she has a melt down each time Ieave .. (but apparently is fine when I leave) ..but that tears at your heart .. then this morning I rang to say she was sick .. and the comment was "it'll be interesting how she is on thursday huh?".. I mean why the fark even say it .. we al know and are thinking it but why verbalise it .. She looks so lost when I go to pick her up ..
M's behaviour is very confrontational .. and his lack of respect is really getting me down .. I've done the parenting course .. read the book.. but still are getting no-where .. and then when yell to get things done .. the guilt starts and the vicious cycle starts all over again .. where's supernanny when you need her?
It's HC awareness week and the lack of support (both from the other committee members & the local media) has been really disappointing .. a few people turned up to the family fun day .. but after the amount of work IW did and the cost to get it all together it gets you down when people don't make the effort to come along .. but in saying that the people who did come had a fantastic time!
The positive to this week is that the girls dinner is happening this Friday .. something to look forward to at the end of each month ..phew for that .. but the frowns from C before I get there .. sure puts a downer on it ..
I wish the slate could be wiped clean ..start again afresh .. instead of the dark cloud hanging over all day ..every day .. so tiring .. and the friggin dark clouds outside don't help either ..
What happened to the "looked forward to" visions when I would so look forward to the kids getting up so I could spend time with them .. be a mum to them ..
Urrghhhhhhhh!
Maybe I need to go to work .. but finding a job in this small town is so hard .. and I would so miss my little princess .. and what if ..
I need a job that I can work at home .. but how much stimulation would that be ..
Arrgghhhhh!
I'm thinking I need to go back to see someone .. but I'm quickly discharged because I'm not "bad" enough .. but it's ongoing .. and we still haven't found the right AD that helps as with all that we have tried I end up like a hamster on a wheel .. and of course it's the first thing the doc prescribes when I mention that I'm down.
I'm at a loss as to what the heck to do !
OK I'm not doing well !!
Since Nana passed away in the middle of March it has steadily got worse ..
I got sick with that "virus" but I think that it's a culmination of everything that is going on .. I had blood tests to rule out "medical"stuff but they came back clear enough ..
The doc asked if I was stressed .. or depressed .. well there is so much going on that's depressive and stressful .. how could you not react .. but the reaction is getting out of control ..
I feel out of control ... spiralling towards a huge meltdown .. not a yelling and hitting and thrashing toddler tantrum .. more a go numb ..not react .. try not to feel kind of thing ..
Nana has got a lot worse .. she came out of hospital over a month ago now .. and was on oxygen occasionally .. she developed pulmonary edema over a week ago .. and was on ab's and during this time was on oxygen .. which was bumped up to 4litres .. this week she was kinda ok-ish on Friday .. not great .. tired but talking etc .. on Sunday when I visited after the HC event .. she was not talking hardly at all .. and seemed distracted .. that night she was suffering from chest pains most of the night and only told my aunty when she heard them up .. they called the doctor immediately and he has said there is more fluid on her lungs and has increased her morphine and she now has nasal medazalon .. and she is quite frightened to be left alone .. and so my Aunty is sleeping in the room with her. Mum was saying my aunty would wake up and it sounded like nana was up most of the night awake.
My Grandad is still hanging in there .. at the grand old age of 94 .. but is quite depressed .. he is in the hospital wing and although he is getting on in age .. his mind is quite active.. but it is body that has given out .. so he is amongst all the "ill" patients who have their heads lolling around all day .. or sleep all day .. and it's not doing the best for his mental health.
My good friend's daughter whose daughter has leukamia (and while being neutropenic contracted an infection in her lungs that travelled through her blood to her brain causing irrepairable damage to her brain) has now been told she is terminal and is now spending every day treasuring what little time she has left.
Cam is doing OK-ish at the moment .. he has his days .. and is mostly puffy when he wakes up .. but this seems to reduce during the day .. however his behaviour his gone to the dogs .. and so we feel something is definitely going on as he is sooo tired and the shadows under his eyes are getting darker and darker .. I just wish someone would get the liver and kidney scans sorted soon !! The "nagging" worry that isn't full on but is always there is getting me down ..
Stuff with C and I are "fair to midling" to say the least .. I just don't feel understood .. and if I mention depression .. it's a throw your hands up in the air kind result .. so I just can't be bothered .. but then of course it's nag nag about the lack of amorous action .. wtf!!!
The house is swallowing me up with all the "work" to be done .. the washing piling up .. the ongoing "kiddy" mess .. and the wardrobes spilling over out of the doors ..
C also is trying to get things sorted with the farms/pil retirement etc ..to give us some direction and this is good in the long term .. but in the meantime it's friggin stressful .. and with all that's going on with the farm this time of year the "breaking" point of his patience comes along quick.
My walking is going to the pack with all this yuck weather and with the way I'm feeling I just don't have the inclination to do any exercise on the "white elephant" treadmill sitting in the lounge taunting me every time I'm in there .. so of course the weight is piling back on again ... and like a couple of years ago it's a cycle that gets me down .. I eat because I'm down .. and then get down because of the weight gain .. and lack of discipline .. and so what do I do .. eat .. arrghh!
A is not settling at kindy very well .. she has a melt down each time Ieave .. (but apparently is fine when I leave) ..but that tears at your heart .. then this morning I rang to say she was sick .. and the comment was "it'll be interesting how she is on thursday huh?".. I mean why the fark even say it .. we al know and are thinking it but why verbalise it .. She looks so lost when I go to pick her up ..
M's behaviour is very confrontational .. and his lack of respect is really getting me down .. I've done the parenting course .. read the book.. but still are getting no-where .. and then when yell to get things done .. the guilt starts and the vicious cycle starts all over again .. where's supernanny when you need her?
It's HC awareness week and the lack of support (both from the other committee members & the local media) has been really disappointing .. a few people turned up to the family fun day .. but after the amount of work IW did and the cost to get it all together it gets you down when people don't make the effort to come along .. but in saying that the people who did come had a fantastic time!
The positive to this week is that the girls dinner is happening this Friday .. something to look forward to at the end of each month ..phew for that .. but the frowns from C before I get there .. sure puts a downer on it ..
I wish the slate could be wiped clean ..start again afresh .. instead of the dark cloud hanging over all day ..every day .. so tiring .. and the friggin dark clouds outside don't help either ..
What happened to the "looked forward to" visions when I would so look forward to the kids getting up so I could spend time with them .. be a mum to them ..
Urrghhhhhhhh!
Maybe I need to go to work .. but finding a job in this small town is so hard .. and I would so miss my little princess .. and what if ..
I need a job that I can work at home .. but how much stimulation would that be ..
Arrgghhhhh!
I'm thinking I need to go back to see someone .. but I'm quickly discharged because I'm not "bad" enough .. but it's ongoing .. and we still haven't found the right AD that helps as with all that we have tried I end up like a hamster on a wheel .. and of course it's the first thing the doc prescribes when I mention that I'm down.
I'm at a loss as to what the heck to do !
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