..did I forget to take my happy pills or something ..

.. I think I'm on a downward slide again ..

I have so much to be thankful for in my life.

But, today I just want to cry.

I feel like everything is out of my control .

I am the only one who can take control and make changes. I know this. But for some reason today, I just can't make myself do the things that I know I need to do.

I feel overwhelmed.

I'm sooo tired.

I'm sick ..

ANGRY!!!

I actually feel sick to my stomach ..

.. some family members SHOULD NOT even have the name 'family' the way they treat and talk to others in their family ..

FARKIN' UNBELIEVEABLE

Farkin' Angry .. Angry .. Angry ..

:-(((((

RIP Ellie

So so sad ..

Ellie lost her battle with Leukaemia last night ..

The only comfort is that she is no longer suffering ..

T & L have been through so much with her .. but still 6 is far too young to die! (She would have turned 7 in Sept)

Her brain injury from the infection may have made it hard for her to communicate but she sure fought and made sure she was able to be understood ..

Then for the Leukaemia to come back after she was in remission for those few months is just so cruel ..

Words can't convey how sad I feel .. and it's hard not to compare with Cam ..

The funeral is on Friday ..

Interesting concept ..

The Seven Day Mental Diet
How to change your life (and the world) in a week

by Emmet Fox

The subject of diet is one of the foremost topics of the present day in public interest. Newspapers and magazines teem with articles on the subject. The counters of the bookshops are filled with volumes unfolding the mysteries of proteins, starches, vitamins, and so forth. just now the whole world is food-conscious. Experts on the subject are saying that physically you become the thing that you eat that your whole body is really composed of the food that you have eaten in the past. What you eat today, they say, will be in your bloodstream after the lapse of so many hours, and it is your blood-stream that builds all the tissues composing your body -and there you are.

Of course, no sensible person has any quarrel with all this. It is perfectly true, as far as it goes, and the only surprising thing is that it has taken the world so long to find it out; but in this pamphlet I am going to deal with the subject of dieting at a level that is infinitely more profound and far reaching in its effects. I refer of course to mental dieting.

The most important of all factors in your life is the mental diet on which you live. It is the food which you furnish to your mind that determines the whole character of your life. It is the thoughts you allow yourself to think, the subjects that you allow your mind to dwell upon, which make you and your surroundings what they are. As they days, so shall they strength be. Everything in your life today the state of your body, whether healthy or sick, the state of your fortune, whether prosperous or impoverished, the state of your home, whether happy or the reverse, the present condition of every phase of your life in fact-is entirely conditioned by the thoughts and feelings which you have entertained in the past, by the habitual tone of your past thinking. And the condition of your life tomorrow, and next week, and next year, will be entirely conditioned by the thoughts and feelings which you choose to entertain from now onwards.

In other words, you choose your life, that is to say, you choose all the conditions of your life, when you choose the thoughts upon which you allow your mind to dwell. Thought is the real causative force in life, and there is no other. You cannot have one kind of mind and another kind of environment. This means that you cannot change your environment while leaving your mind unchanged, nor-and this is the supreme key to life and the reason for this pamphlet -can you change your mind without your environment changing too.

This then is the real key to life: if you change your mind your conditions must change too- your body must change, your daily work or other activities must change; your home must change; the color-tone of your whole life must change-for whether you be habitually happy and cheerful, or low-spirited and fearful, depends entirely on the quality of the mental food upon which you diet yourself.

Please be very clear about this. If you change your mind your conditions must change too. We are transformed by the renewing of our minds. So now you will see that your mental diet is really the most important thing in your whole life.

This may be called the Great Cosmic Law, and its truth is seen to be perfectly obvious when once it is clearly stated in this way. In fact, I do not know of any thoughtful person who denies its essential truth. The practical difficulty in applying it, however, arises from the fact that our thoughts are so close to us that it is difficult, without a little practice, to stand back as it were and look at them objectively.

Yet that is just what you must learn to do. You must train yourself to choose the subject of your thinking at any given time, and also to choose the emotional tone, or what we call the mood that colors it. Yes, you can choose your moods. Indeed, if you could not you would have no real control over your life at all. Moods habitually entertained produce the characteristic disposition of the person concerned, and it is his disposition that finally makes or mars a person's happiness.

You cannot be healthy; you cannot be happy; you cannot be prosperous; if you have a bad disposition. If you are sulky, or surly, or cynical, or depressed, or superior, or frightened half out of your wits, your life cannot possibly be worth living. Unless you are determined to cultivate a good disposition, you may as well give up all hope of getting anything worth while out of life, and it is kinder to tell you very plainly that this is the case.

If you are not determined to start in now and carefully select all day the kind of thoughts that you are going to think, you may as well give up all hope of shaping your life into the kind of thing that you want it to be, because this is the only way.

In short, if you want to make your life happy and worth while, which is what God wishes you to make it, you must begin immediately to train yourself in the habit of thought selection and thought control. This will be exceedingly difficult for the first few days, but if you persevere you will find that it will become rapidly easier, and it is actually the most interesting experiment that you could possibly make. In fact, this thought control is the most thrillingly interesting hobby that anyone could take up. You will be amazed at the interesting things that you will learn about yourself, and you will get results almost from the beginning.

Now many people knowing this truth, make sporadic efforts from time to time to control their thoughts, but the thought stream being so close) as I have pointed outs and the impacts from outside so constant and varied, they do not make very much progress. That is not the way to work. Your only chance is definitely to form a new habit of thought which will carry you through when you are preoccupied or off your guard as well as when you are consciously attending to the business. This new thought habit must be definitely acquired, and the foundation of it can be laid within a few days, and the way to do it is this: Make up your mind to devote one week solely to the task of building a new habit of thought, and during that week let everything in life be unimportant as compared with that. If you will do so, then that week will be the most significant week in your whole life. It will literally be the turning point for you. If you will do so, it is safe to say that your whole life will change for the better. In fact, nothing can possibly remain the same. This does not simply mean that you will be able to face your present difficulties in a better spirit; it means that the difficulties will go. This is the scientific way to Alter Your Life, and being in accordance with the Great Law it cannot fail. Now do you realize that by working in this way you do not have to change conditions? What happens is that you apply the Law, and then the conditions change spontaneously. You cannot change conditions directly you have often tried to do so and failed but go on the seven day mental diet and conditions must change for you.

This then is your prescription. For seven days you must not allow yourself to dwell for a single moment on any kind of negative thought. You must watch yourself for a whole week as a cat watches a mouse, and you must not under any pretense allow your mind to dwell on any thought that is not positive, constructive, optimistic, kind. This discipline will be so strenuous that you could not maintain it consciously for much more than a week, but I do not ask you to do so. A week will be enough, because by that time the habit of positive thinking will begin to be established. Some extraordinary changes for the better will have come into your life, encouraging you enormously, and then the future will take care of itself. The new way of life will be so attractive and so much easier than the old way that you will find your mentality aligning itself almost automatically.

But the seven days are going to be strenuous. I would not have you enter upon this without counting the cost. Mere physical fasting would be child's play in comparison, even if you have a very good appetite. The most exhausting form of army gymnastics, combined with thirty mile route marches, would be mild in comparison with this undertaking. But it is only for one week in your life, and it will definitely alter everything for the better. For the rest of your life here, for all eternity in fact, things will be utterly different and inconceivably better than if you had not carried through this undertaking.

Do not start it lightly. Think about it for a day or two before you begin. Then start in, and the grace of God go with you. You may start it any day in the week, and at any time in the day, first thing in the morning, or after breakfast, or after lunch, it does not matter, but once you do start you must go right through for the seven days. That is essential. The whole idea is to have seven days of-unbroken mental discipline in order to get the mind definitely bent in a new direction once and for all.

If you make a false start, or even if you go in well for two or three days and then for any reason "fall off" the diet, the thing to do is to drop the scheme altogether for several days, and then to start again afresh. There must be no jumping on and off, as it were. You remember that Rip Van Winkle in the play would take a solemn vow of teetotalism, and then promptly accept a drink from the first neighbor who offered him one, saying calmly: "I won't count this one." Well, on the seven day mental diet this sort of thing simply will not do. you must positively count every lapse, and whether you do or not, nature will. where there is a lapse you must go off the diet altogether and then start again.

Now, in order, if possible, to forestall difficulties, I will consider them in a little detail.

First of all, what do I mean by negative thinking? Well, a negative thought is any thought of failure, disappointment, or trouble; any thought of criticism, or spite, or jealousy, or condemnation of others, or self condemnation; any thought of sickness or accident; or, in short, any kind of limitation or pessimistic thinking. Any thought that is not positive and constructive in character, whether it concerns you yourself or anyone else, is a negative thought. Do not bother too much about the question of classification, however; in practice you will never have any trouble in knowing whether a given thought is positive or negative. Even if your brain tries to deceive you, your heart will whisper the truth.

Second, you must be quite clear that what this scheme calls for is that you shall not entertain, or dwell upon negative things. Note this carefully. It is not the thought that come to you that matter, but only such of them as you choose to entertain and dwell upon. It does not matter what thoughts may come to you provided you do not entertain them. It is the entertaining or dwelling upon them that matters. Of course, many negative thoughts will come to you all day long. Some of them will just drift into your mind of their own accord seemingly, and these come to you out of the race mind. Other negative thoughts will be given to you by other people, either in conversation or by their conduct, or you will hear disagreeable news perhaps by letter or telephone, or you will see crimes and disasters announced in the newspaper headings. These things, however, do not matter as long as you do not entertain them. In fact, it is these very things that provide the discipline that is going to transform you during this epoch making week. The thing to do is, directly the negative thought presents itself - turn it out. Turn away from the newspaper; turn out the thought of the unkind letter, or stupid remark, or what not. When the negative thought floats into your mind, immediately turn it out and think of something else. Best of all, think of God as explained in The Golden Key perfect analogy is furnished by the case of a man who is sitting by an open fire when a red hot cinder flies out and falls on his sleeve. If he knocks that cinder off at once, without a moment's delay to think about it, no harm is done. But if he allows it to rest on him for a single moment, under any pretense, the mischief is done, and it will be a troublesome task to repair that sleeve. So it is with a negative thought.

Now what of those negative thoughts and conditions which it is impossible to avoid at the point where you are today? What of the ordinary troubles that you will have to meet in the office or a home? The answer is, that such things will not affect your diet provided that you do not accept them, by fearing them, by believing them, by being indignant or sad about them, or by giving them any power at all. Any negative condition that duty compels you to handle will not affect your diet. Go to the office, or meet the cares at home, without allowing them to affect you. (None of these things move me) and all will be well. Suppose that you are lunching with a friend who talks negatively-Do not try to shut him up or otherwise snub him. Let him talk, but do not accept what he says, and your diet will not be affected. Suppose that on coming home you are greeted with a lot of negative conversation-do not preach a sermon, but simply do not accept it. It is your mental consent, remember, that constitutes your diet. Suppose you witness an accident or an act of injustice let us say Instead of reacting with pity or indignation, refuse to accept the appearance at its face value; do anything that you can to right matters, give it the right thought and let it go at that. You will still be on the diet.

Of course, it will be very helpful if you can take steps to avoid meeting during this week anyone who seems particularly likely to arouse the devil in you. People who get on your nerves, or rub you up the wrong way, or bore you, are better avoided while you are on the diet; but if it is not possible to avoid them, then you must take a little extra discipline that is all.

Suppose that you have a particularly trying ordeal before you next week Well, if you have enough spiritual understanding you will know how to meet that in the spiritual way; but, for our present purpose, I think I would wait and start the diet as soon as the ordeal is over. As I said before, do not take up the diet lightly, but think it over well first.

In closing, I want to tell you that people often find that the starting of this diet seems to stir up all sorts of difficulties. It seen is as though everything begins to go wrong at once. This may be disconcerting, but it is really a good sign. It means that things are moving; and is not that the very object we have in view? Suppose your whole world seems to rock on its foundations. Hold on steadily, let it rock, and when the rocking is over., the picture will have reassembled itself into something much nearer to your heart's desire.

The above point is vitally important and rather subtle. Do you not see that the very dwelling upon these difficulties is in itself a negative thought which has probably thrown you off the diet? The remedy is not, of course, to deny that your world is rocking in appearance, but to refuse to take the appearance for the reality (Judge not according to appearances but judge righteous judgment).

A closing word of caution-Do not tell anyone else that you are on the diet, or that you intend to go on it. Keep this tremendous project strictly to yourself. Remember that your soul should be the Secret Place of the Most High. When you have come through the seven days successfully, and secured your demonstration, allow a reasonable time to elapse to establish the new mentality, and then tell the story to anyone else who you think is likely to be helped by it.

And, finally, remember that nothing said or done by anyone else can possibly throw you off the diet. Only your own reaction to the other person's conduct can do that.

Depressed much .. or just down ????

Here comes huge RANT!

OK I'm not doing well !!

Since Nana passed away in the middle of March it has steadily got worse ..

I got sick with that "virus" but I think that it's a culmination of everything that is going on .. I had blood tests to rule out "medical"stuff but they came back clear enough ..

The doc asked if I was stressed .. or depressed .. well there is so much going on that's depressive and stressful .. how could you not react .. but the reaction is getting out of control ..

I feel out of control ... spiralling towards a huge meltdown .. not a yelling and hitting and thrashing toddler tantrum .. more a go numb ..not react .. try not to feel kind of thing ..

Nana has got a lot worse .. she came out of hospital over a month ago now .. and was on oxygen occasionally .. she developed pulmonary edema over a week ago .. and was on ab's and during this time was on oxygen .. which was bumped up to 4litres .. this week she was kinda ok-ish on Friday .. not great .. tired but talking etc .. on Sunday when I visited after the HC event .. she was not talking hardly at all .. and seemed distracted .. that night she was suffering from chest pains most of the night and only told my aunty when she heard them up .. they called the doctor immediately and he has said there is more fluid on her lungs and has increased her morphine and she now has nasal medazalon .. and she is quite frightened to be left alone .. and so my Aunty is sleeping in the room with her. Mum was saying my aunty would wake up and it sounded like nana was up most of the night awake.

My Grandad is still hanging in there .. at the grand old age of 94 .. but is quite depressed .. he is in the hospital wing and although he is getting on in age .. his mind is quite active.. but it is body that has given out .. so he is amongst all the "ill" patients who have their heads lolling around all day .. or sleep all day .. and it's not doing the best for his mental health.

My good friend's daughter whose daughter has leukamia (and while being neutropenic contracted an infection in her lungs that travelled through her blood to her brain causing irrepairable damage to her brain) has now been told she is terminal and is now spending every day treasuring what little time she has left.

Cam is doing OK-ish at the moment .. he has his days .. and is mostly puffy when he wakes up .. but this seems to reduce during the day .. however his behaviour his gone to the dogs .. and so we feel something is definitely going on as he is sooo tired and the shadows under his eyes are getting darker and darker .. I just wish someone would get the liver and kidney scans sorted soon !! The "nagging" worry that isn't full on but is always there is getting me down ..

Stuff with C and I are "fair to midling" to say the least .. I just don't feel understood .. and if I mention depression .. it's a throw your hands up in the air kind result .. so I just can't be bothered .. but then of course it's nag nag about the lack of amorous action .. wtf!!!

The house is swallowing me up with all the "work" to be done .. the washing piling up .. the ongoing "kiddy" mess .. and the wardrobes spilling over out of the doors ..

C also is trying to get things sorted with the farms/pil retirement etc ..to give us some direction and this is good in the long term .. but in the meantime it's friggin stressful .. and with all that's going on with the farm this time of year the "breaking" point of his patience comes along quick.

My walking is going to the pack with all this yuck weather and with the way I'm feeling I just don't have the inclination to do any exercise on the "white elephant" treadmill sitting in the lounge taunting me every time I'm in there .. so of course the weight is piling back on again ... and like a couple of years ago it's a cycle that gets me down .. I eat because I'm down .. and then get down because of the weight gain .. and lack of discipline .. and so what do I do .. eat .. arrghh!

A is not settling at kindy very well .. she has a melt down each time Ieave .. (but apparently is fine when I leave) ..but that tears at your heart .. then this morning I rang to say she was sick .. and the comment was "it'll be interesting how she is on thursday huh?".. I mean why the fark even say it .. we al know and are thinking it but why verbalise it .. She looks so lost when I go to pick her up ..

M's behaviour is very confrontational .. and his lack of respect is really getting me down .. I've done the parenting course .. read the book.. but still are getting no-where .. and then when yell to get things done .. the guilt starts and the vicious cycle starts all over again .. where's supernanny when you need her?

It's HC awareness week and the lack of support (both from the other committee members & the local media) has been really disappointing .. a few people turned up to the family fun day .. but after the amount of work IW did and the cost to get it all together it gets you down when people don't make the effort to come along .. but in saying that the people who did come had a fantastic time!

The positive to this week is that the girls dinner is happening this Friday .. something to look forward to at the end of each month ..phew for that .. but the frowns from C before I get there .. sure puts a downer on it ..

I wish the slate could be wiped clean ..start again afresh .. instead of the dark cloud hanging over all day ..every day .. so tiring .. and the friggin dark clouds outside don't help either ..

What happened to the "looked forward to" visions when I would so look forward to the kids getting up so I could spend time with them .. be a mum to them ..

Urrghhhhhhhh!

Maybe I need to go to work .. but finding a job in this small town is so hard .. and  I would so miss my little princess .. and what if ..

I need a job that I can work at home .. but how much stimulation would that be ..

Arrgghhhhh!

I'm thinking I need to go back to see someone .. but I'm quickly discharged because I'm not "bad" enough .. but it's ongoing .. and we still haven't found the right AD that helps as with all that we have tried I end up like a hamster on a wheel .. and of course it's the first thing the doc prescribes when I mention that I'm down.

I'm at a loss as to what the heck to do !

Black dogs ..

I'm thinking the black dogs might be bounding away .. things are looking up ... *fingers crossed*

..it's coming up 3 weeks now .. and I was still down .. and over eating .. not feeling like exercise ..

Soooo

..it was about time I did something about it ... hopefully what I'm doing about it will help ..

..an CBT online course for depression .. MoodGym

Sometimes it's hard to distinguish between "real" grief and depression huh??

Between depression and a few different things also I suppose?.

..We'll see how it goes ..

4kgs .. weight gain is soooo sad !

Nana - the good :) and the bad :( ...

The good news is that Nana went home to my Aunty and Uncle's house last Tuesday .. she has settled in well .. is sitting up and pottering around and resting .. just like she would at home .. I visited her on Saturday (during a break from Relay for Life).. she was not that talkative .. but she has has lost the hearing in her right ear .. and so couldn't hear much of the conversation .. her legs have gone down considerably also :-)

.. the bad news is that the Oncologist visit was quite full on .. they do not think that radiation or any treatment will be of any benefit for nana.The tumor on her lung is about 7cm long. Her body has been under considerable strain and they have also said that surgery is also not an option especially with the trauma her body has been through and the way her heart is not the best.

The Hospice nurse visited and all the paper work has been completed for her care once her pain becomes too much for her ..and medazalom and morphine will be available for her without delay.

She won't be going home to her house (next door to my Aunty and Uncle's at this stage) .. as they feel she needs 24 hour care .. but knowing Nana she will find a way ;-p

She has oxygen via nasal prongs most of the day as the tumor is only affecting her breathing at this stage ..

She sure is a battler .. and an amazing lady with her determination and strength to fight back :-)

2 nanas now in hospital :-(((

My other nana was admitted to hospital yesterday as she went in to renal failure  .. and has a huge ulcer on her leg .. she is not finishing her sentences and not very lucid .. but we are unsure if it is due to the horrendous pain of the leg .. or the renal failure ..

.. while the other nana had a biopsy done today on her lung .. and when they turned her to do a biopsy on the other side .. because her skin is so paper thin and full of fluid .. they accidently caused the skin to tear open on one of her legs while they turned her and on the other leg the movement caused a huge haemotoma

.. she has just had such a bad run ..

.. it's sooo hard seeing them both so unwell ..

URGHHHH!!

.. Sooooo tell me ..

.. what is soooooo HARD about getting something right huh ?#$#$%#

***WARNING ... I'm going to whine and vent here .. imagine me .. red faced .. and holding my breathe .. kind of a toddler tantrum style ****

.. Cam has to have 6 monthly visits to the Paed at the local clinic to make sure his dicky ticker is ticking right .. and all the associated stuff that goes with it ..

.. check back last visit was July/Aug .. so add 6 months .. you get about Feb/March right ..

Ummm .. no ...

You get .. "Well Dr D only has monthly clinics now and even though Cameron is due to have a check up well it's quite full .. we could put him in this upcoming clinic or maybe the next which is towards the end of April but he is going on holiday .. so it might be even later than that  .. or .. *add silence* .. so which do you want to do .."

.. Ummmmm let me think .. ummmm .. well maybe the end of June maybe .. March of course !!!!!

So I was polite .. "Well since it has been 6 months .. and we do have a few concerns .. the March one would be best .."

"Oh OK .. we have a few appointments open .. so I can put him in I suppose"

I get off the phone dumfounded ..

.. it's not like he has a cold .. he has half a heart for goodness sake .. he SHOULD be checked every 6 months with all that cr*p going on in that thar chest of his .. we've been told to expect some decline around the age of 7 or 8 .. well guess what they almost hit it right on the head .. he looks .. well .. he looks "off" .. we're not sure what it is .. but something isn't altogether right .. not like .. "OMG look at Cam" .. more .. "mmm .. are you doing OK kinda off stuff"  .. and not one time the same thing ..

. . I did get kinda freaked one part last month and put the sat machine on (I have one here as storage for HC) .. and well took it off again .. the sats were around 90-92% (were 97-98%) .. and his HR was around the wrong way .. 75-80 when he was asleep .. and 50-55 when he was awake ..

.. we're blaming the humidity and Summer ..  so fingers crossed that is what it is ..

.. he's also got other issues .. he'd be horrified if I shared publicly .. but it worries us .. and it needs sorting out ..

We're THOSE type of parents who want to be positive and talk about the NORMAL things that could be wrong .. but silently HOPE it's not heart related ..

Argghhh the joys of trying to normalise stuff ..

.. so anyhoo .. roll on to what I first started gabbling on about ..

.. what is so hard about just booking the appts booked straight in 6 months after we've seen the paed !! I know things come up .. and there are some kids that need urgent stuff .. but you have the appt with the paed right .. make the next one 6 months ahead and do it .. for crying out loud .. not keep deferring ..

Arrghhh - frustration .. OK vent over .. it's off my chest .. carry on ..as you were .. or were you covering your eyes anyway .. lol ;-p

Urrgghhh ..

Confession - Quite often ignore the phone and text messages as I can't be bothered with people.

Confession - I am ADDICTED to being on the computer - EBB or FACEBOOK !!!

Confession - I prefer to help other people than help myself

Confession - I am crap at housework and a bit lazy

Confession - Sometimes can't stand my kids

Confession - Feel like a terrible mother for feeling that

Confession - I work so well with planning and routines that if I could, I'd plan everything in advance so I knew where I stood (of course this doesn't work with children). But when it comes to actually doing it .. do not have the energy - buzz Flyday and I'm an Organising junkie addiction

Confession - I love my bed and could spend AGES in there, if I didn't have t oget out of bed for hte kids

Confession - I can't imagine a world without music.

Confession - I used to feel a feeling of absolute release when I was standing in a crowd at a concert or at a dance party.

Confession - I secretly hope one or both of my boys do something musical in their lives.

Confession - I hope I provide a happier home for my children than the one I grew up in - and I feel guilty for thinking that.

Confession - I always want my Mum's advice/opinion, but like that I can take it or leave it .. but still want to gain her approval!

Confession - I would love to be a homely wife/mother who makes preserves, bakes and knits, but just cleaning up after everyone exhausts me .. and I don't have the energy to do anymore than that.

Confession - I HATE folding washing - with a vengence.

Confession - I'm REALLY scared of my DH dying.

Confession - I don't want to be seen as 'just a mother'

Confession - I'd love to do a job that helps people, but am scared I wouldn't be able to leave work at work

Confession - I HATE housework with a passion but once it's done feel so much better.

Confession - I always procrastinate(sp) about doing housework - especially the dishes!!

Confession - Would love to have a huge girls a night out with lots of drinks, gossip and dancing, but I get to anxious being around lots of people SUCKS

Confession - keep wishing I could jump to the future and be better and living the life I want and be content with what I have.

confession - i don't like the person i am now

confession ~ i sometimes regret having my babies

confession ~ sometimes I would rather clean my house than play with my kids

confession ~ Feel like im a failure at everything

confession: i truly love my kids but not myself

Confession: My heart truly dies everytime the kids say they HATE me .. because I feel I am such a bad Mum sometimes!

Nana - in theatre

Nana was rushed to theatre this morning after a particular bad night .. they are working on the hernia around the colostomy site .. and hoping this will relieve some of the pain .. urrggghhh ..

Fingers crossed that everything goes well ..

Keeping calm .. as know this will be the best thing for her at the moment ..

Hopefully hubby will be home by lunch-time and I can go for a walk to clear my head

I am very lucky to have all of my grandparents - Pop (nana's husband) is 87 .. and loving life and has had second wind after being unwell last year .. moving to the rest home has been the best thing ever for him as he is really social .. and strolls around visiting and chatting to whoever he can

My grandad on my Dad's side just had his 94 birthday (along with Belly dancers visiting him at the home as a surprise ..lol) .. and since his twin passed away .. and other things last year with his health .. has been fading away .. but he is sooo lovely to visit .. and of course his eyes sparkle every time he sees the boys ... but he has onset dementia and it is hard to understand him .. and he gets so frustrated when trying to get things out .. so a lot of the time you are guessing and filling in the gaps ..

My Nana (grandad's wife) she is 83 is also in a rest home but in a different town ... for a few reasons .. and is battling skin cancer and diabetes ..

.. so overall quite a long-living bunch ..

.. and I really think it comes down to how they face life .. and their state of mind (if their body doesn't let them down first) .. as to how they cope with themselves getting old ..

Nana - part 2

.. so I visited Nana this afternoon .. she is looking a lot brighter .. still has the nasa-gastra tube and on saline and glucose IV to get her dehydration sorted ..

The specialists and doctors talked to my Mum and my Aunty this morning .. the news was 1/2 good and 1/2 not ..

.. they said that the results show that her hernia near where the colostomy site is had enlarged and was protruding through the colon and that had caused the colon to double up and twist .. causing the obstruction .. and then with the compaction it had blown her tummy up and pushed all the other organs up (sort of like when you're pregnant) and that was also causing her breathing issues .. so the next step is that they are looking at maybe doing surgery to rectify/help the hernia situation

.. so that's the good part .. well good compared to the other ..

.. the bad part is that they have found a tumor on her lungs (weird considering it wasn't here just a little while ago) .. but with her emphysema and enlarged heart and position of the tumor they feel that surgery etc may not be the best form of action ..

.. she seems quite calm about it and said to me "I've got the C in my lungs .. but what can you do really ...?" and shrugged her shoulders ..

.. she is still quite frail .. and seemed so little in the hospital chair .. but 85 year olds probably do look like that .. she just always seems so invincible and always bounces back!! 

.. but I can see that a lot of it is wearing her down .. and she looks more and more thinner each time I see her .. :-(

Anyway .. we will see what the doctors say on Monday as they are having a think about the lung situation .. and I wonder whether she will go home on oxygen again .. mmmmm ..

Sooooo angry!!!

..seriously feels like strangling a w*nker ex brother in law ....

THE END!

... not so good ..

I spent some time today with Grandad ..

.. he is not doing the best and has not taken any food or drink orally (or otherwise) since Thursday ..

.. this morning my Dad asked a priest to visit, after Grandad asked him to, when he has declined one before now, and he did the Anointing of the sick.

It was also so amazing too, as when they were performing the anointing Grandad was quite sedate, but as soon as he saw Abbie his face lit up and he watched her playing etc and smiled. It was so wonderful.

Dr came at lunch-time and he has now been admitted to hospital to investigate what is causing him to "choke" and gag as he is unable to swallow anything.

He does have thrush in his mouth, but it seems to be more than that causing the problem.

Following this he'll be referred to the hospice for palliative care at the Hospice or at the resthome. We are hoping they will give him a morphine port/pump so that other meds or TPN can be given to make him comfortable.

I was able to spend a little time with him, telling him things the boys were getting up to and also wash his face down to cool him and give him hugs etc.

This afternoon Grandad was sleeping on and off but I think he could still hear who was in the room.

My Uncle R and Aunty M have come up from Nelson so that is really good as Dad and my Aunty are exhausted so hopefully they will get a bit of a break .. My Uncle I visited during the weekend and Dad said he was quite shocked to see how Grandad has got.

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My friends daughter was life flighted up to Starship last week .. she has leukeamia was due to have bone marrow transplant this week .. but during per-admission tests started seizing .. so they put her in an induced coma .. and now waiting on tests .. she was being weaned from the drugs and they are waiting for her to wake up on her own to see if she has any residual problems from the seizures.

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Two babies from the HC group who were born last month passed away last week, from complications following their surgeries. One I met at the HC coffee group and the FSW has helped both through the pregnancies and visited them recently while she was up at Starship for training. So sad ..

.. visiting Grandad today ..

..today I visited Grandad in his rest-home

.. he was in bed .. which I've never seen him do during the day .. as he's always been sitting in his arm-chair with a grin ..

.. he smiled when I arrived and I gave him a big hug ..

.. as he hugged me back I could see the anchor tattoo on his arm ... but it was no longer on his muscular fore-arm like years ago I remember.. but hanging from his older pale thin arms ..

.. whenever I see it it reminds me of him and I when I was younger .. me sitting on his lap .. feeling so safe and warm in his arms .. and him telling me stories or the both of us just sitting quietly watching everyone else ..

... but today he looked very tired .. and his breathing was quite bad ...

.. he still had the light in his eyes but you could see he was not doing well and struggling to stay focused..

.. I thought he was sipping water .. but when I went to re-fill his glass one of the caregivers said it was actually lemonade .. so we gave him more as he was enjoying it so much ..

.. we chatted .. well I mainly talked and he talked where he could ..

.. he was watching Days of Our Lives .. and was enjoying it .. so I was quieter when it was on ..

.. I moved his pillows around as he seemed quite uncomfortable and and that made him seem a bit brighter ..

.. I didn't stay long as he seemed to want to have a rest ..

.. but when I left I gave him another big hug and kiss and told him I loved him ..

.. I was talking to Dad later and he was saying that they would like to move him to the hospital wing, but he and my Aunty would like them to wait until she is back on Saturday, as they'd (Dad and my Aunty) would like to talk it through with Grandad first .. My aunty works in the hospital wings, so she knows all the ins and outs etc ..

.. I said to Dad it would be nice for if when he does pass away for it to be peacefully in his sleep .. he agreed .. but said he would like to be there too .. but it is hard as he is visiting every morning and afternoon .. but he has to work .. and I feel like telling him to for goodness sake take the time off .. my Dad sounds so tired too .. as I bet he isn't sleeping .. and worrying about what his other family members will do if Grandad does pass away .. and the ensuing "crap" that will happen afterwards ... arrghh!

.. but it is nice as all of our family is visiting him and keeping him a little bit of company ..

.. Mum is upset as she has a bad case of the flu and isn't able to go up and see him .. so I said she needs to rest up and look after herself so she does get well so she can ..

.. it sucks when your grandparents get old .. you expect them to be there forever - selfishly .. but they are such a big part of you ..

-----

Also my Aunty (who I don't know well - as my Uncle remarried just recently) .. but is married to my cool Uncle I has been rushed to hospital as she was rolled on by her horse. She has broken ribs, punctured lungs and torn liver .. and sounds like she is very lucky. Uncle I has flown back from Australia to be with her (long story as to why they live in separate countries) .. I'm sending our prayers for her safe and quick recovery ..

-----

Also just got a text to say that the company that employed Alan who was killed in the freak accident at the Engineering plant had pleaded guilty to neglect to provide a safe work environment and the correct procedures/training .. with the sentence to follow on Oct 14, so that's a relief for Elsie.

.. sad news day ..

... my Grandad has taken a turn for the worse .. and is now completely unable to do anything unaided ..

.. the nurses have said he has said his goodbyes (it seems) .. and has given up ..

.. which is fair enough at 93 ..

.. he is also now refusing to eat and drink .. and only mumbles yes and no ...

.. last Sunday my Dad took him for a visit to see Nana (who is in a different rest home) .. as he really wanted to go and see her .. he said it was so lovely/sad .. as they held hands for the longest time and as he said even after all that he has been through with her he still loves her .. and the bond is still there ..

.. my Dad is visiting every morning and my Aunty every afternoon ..

.. they are still getting him out of bed .. but each day he deteriorates more ..

... getting old SUCKS!

... and a friend rang to say that a baby in the HC group (who we have helped with since his Mum was pregnant and diagnosed) is having his ventilator and kidney dialysis machine turned off today to be allowed to pass away gently ..

... SO SO SAD !!!

.. so today is a sad news day ..

The best support .. where when ya need it?

Another moany post .. huh .. no posts for ever and now they're all moans .. but this is my diary .. so .. I'm allowed ..

Yanno .. it's not necessarily the things that life throws at you that can bring you down .. no for me it's more how you can weather them and how much support you can get with dealing with them ..

.. since life turned to custard a few years back there was support on but yanno on the fringes .. be it due to people trying to protect themselves or maybe just not knowing what to do .. and at the time with us having to deal with so much on our own that was OK ..

.. as the kids got older .. and yes M was a shit sleeper but yanno what's one night compared to a year huh .. no support came in the form of having the boys while I pieced my life and head back together ..

.. C had another terrible time/surgery and M was looked after by my parents for a week while we tried to get our heads around the horrors of each day and the fear of losing our boy for real .. but when he got back he was more traumatised than when he left .. stuff we are dealing with now .. we got told of how hard it was looking after him ...FARK he was 3 years old away from his parents for the first time in god knows how long .. had to see his brother all carved up and sad ... but we had to bring him along .. no-one would look after him .. and yanno it was life-saving surgery .. his brother could easily have died!

.. deal with it ..we were dealing with worse than a sad kid ..!

.. in the past few years the number of times the kids have been looked after by other people I could easily count on my hands ..

..  anxiety disorders are prevalent in my family .. but there are ways of helping that huh .. and isn't one of them increased frequency of situations and circumstances to lessen the anxiety of the 'thing' that is unknown or freaking you out about ..(with support of someone ie his brother who loves doin' stuff)

.. Missy has stayed once at someone else's place .. and it was 'a real mission' apparently .. wtf!!!  ... It was the first time .. that's kids you distract them .. and being told she is 'aloof' and doesn't want anything to do with them .. well you've got to wonder why huh?

.. anyhoo getting to my point ..

.. last night I packed the lunches .. had the kids clothes ready and this morning had them get in their uniforms as soon as they were up ..

.. the response from Chris was .. what's got in to you .. and chill out .. fark .. I can't win ..

.. the kids came home in a semi-rot .. but I'd prepared myself

.. well I'd got M's glasses.. I got a blue case .. he didn't want that one he wanted a green one .. after telling me he hates green now .. so I said to him .. probably in a curt tone .. but I thought you didn't like that colour .. I do now .. fine (said in my head) .. I told him I'd have to ring the lady as I'd orderd the fun changeable colour one for him he was playing with at the glasses shop and liked .. so what does Chris say .. no wonder they get shitty after the way you talk to them .. wtf .. I thought .. so I told him to Fark off .. and off the tireade continued .. I was trying so hard .. but when you get unsupported and then the kids start at you as well I felt bloody henpecked ..

.. then this morning .. had the lunches all ready on the bench to go in their bags ..M decided to inspect it .. and didn't want the sandwiches .. so Chris takes it all out to show him what he used to take to school .. sandwiches, homemade biscuits and fruit .. then comments .. no wonder the kids don't eat their sandwiches with all this other shit in here .. and went on about it .. so as he left I said to him no wonder the kids are dis-respectful if they see you putting me down all the time and his retort .. no wonder the kids swear if yo do all the time

.. fair enough .. but I swear out of frustration .. for being UNSUPPORTED!

.. and I'm at least working on it!

.. and the award goes to ...

.. so this is a big vent .. yes I feel and are a nasty mum at the moment and I know it .. but I do love my kids .. and are going to do something about it TODAY!

Well I 'think' I'm in a bad space at the moment ..

(.... and my f*ing ''c' on my laptop keeps sticking so I'm about to throw this across the room !!!)

The boys are getting on my nerves .. one is talking and swearing back at me .. the other is tantruming out of control .. and add to that the fact I've had 2 visitors in the night for the past week ..

I feel (and probably look) like hell warmed up ..

.. of course being able to 'cope' with the tyrants when they play up has gone out the window and I've turned in to a 'controlled' but yelling banshee ..

Luckily M decided to stay asleep the whole night last night .. but Missy is crook with 'another' cold .. so she's full of snot .. so I'm up and down all night with her ..

Chris is so knackered from feeding out all day ... (so basically comes home has tea, helps with the kids homework .. and then once they're in bed .. promptly falls asleep in the chair) .. but is doing the morning calf feeds so that's a bonus .. but still his answer to the kids being downright nasty and disrespectful is to ask what I did to wind them up ..

.. this morning M and Missy were fine .. C decided he didn't want to get dressed (coz it's soooo hard) .. so I put the timer on for 5 mins (in the last 10 mins leading up to us having to leave  to give 5 mins leeway .. and said that we were all getting in the car to get to the bus-stop (after lots of time warnings - ya know 15 mins, 10 mins ..etc) .. well f**k me .. the timer went off and he melts down .. while running around swearing and hiding (while I ignored the hiding - as I cleaned up the breakfast stuff .. but not accepting the swearing and telling him to stop) .. he then asked me to help him .. which is ridiculous .. but OK gave him the benefit of the doubt .. and started to help .. well meltdown city again .. and I lost it ..

... yes the Bad mum badge, award and flowers all go to me ..

.. I put him in his bedroom .. after a banshee impersonation ..

.. then later went back in and apologised and gave him hugs and kisses and told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have done what I had .. and he was all OK ..

.. but seriously .. why does it have to be like this with one of them .. every morning ...

.. after school it's just as bad .. with one of them ready to 'attack' - I sometimes seriously dread 4 o'clock coming around as I can feel myself tense up ready for whatever happens .. and for one of them to start up ..

I know they are tired (from the new class at school) .. but what can I do .. the calves have to be fed .. they're going to bed early 6.30 - lights out at 7 .. eating properly ..

.. last night I didn't take them down to the shed at all  .. Chris fed them .. and came in absolutely knackered ..

..it helped a bit .. but then M went off about not having a particular piece of clothing to wear .. and not getting a 'new' school bag - coz the zipper fell off his bag at school ..

.. I just feel like blimmin' wanting someone with a magic wand to come along and wave it to make all the 'shit' stop and the kids to give me a bit of leeway - instead of everything having to be such a mission ..

.. I have HUGE bad mummy guilts .. well deserved in lots of cases ..

.. but there is no-one to help out with the kids at night ..and a holiday for me (or us) would just be a joke

.. I know it's the time of year .. but does everything have to be suckfull!!!

.. I'm hoping a lot of this is PMT ..

.. and while I thought the happy herbal pills were helping .. I'd hate to think what I'd be like without them ..

.. so maybe off to the GP again to have me referred is the thing to do ..

.. I can't do this anymore ..

.. it's not fair on the kids or me ..

.. so .. my plan ..

1. be organised with the kids stuff after school

2. snacks etc organised for down at the shed

3. get lunches ready at night

4. uniforms - and helping them get them on as soon as they wake up

5. me to bed by 9 or 10 ..

6. housework in the morning .. relax (if poss) in the afternoon

7. walks .. mon, tues, thurs and fri

8. go out with friends at least once every 2 weeks

9. ring psych ????

10. ... arrghhh!

...footnote - add to this .. money is tight .. I've put on 3 kgs in the past month .. I'm feeling useless .. un-appreciated and been sick .. and it's makes for great times ... so all the small things get over-exaggerated and it all mixes up to a cr*p time for all .. :-(

..my life seems full of bad news at the moment ..

I got a message to ring my Mum .. and she told me the sad news that a very dear friend who we have known since we shifted to where Mum and Dad live now (so like 35 years now ) .. passed away from lung cancer ..

We didn't know she had it as she was admitted last week to hospital after her grand-son (who didn't know us) took her to the doctors with the flu ..

She was always there when we were growing up .. she looked after her grandson who was the same age as us .. so we spent a lot of time over there "hanging out" and "bugging her" with all our stuff ..

Mum and her were really close (as neighbours for that long are) and along with the neighbours on the other side "helped" us and the rest of the neighbourhood  "grow up" - kind of like an extended family, looking after each other, living in and out of their kitchens and lounges .. watching as we had kids and watching them grow up ..

As our lives got busier .. we'd see her at Mum's and have a natter .. and she was always so thrilled to see the kids and us .. and always interested about what was happening in our lives ..

It's so sad people all around me are growing old .. as is life .. but all the lovely, wonderful people who helped shape me as I am are slowly slipping away .. and it's kind of troubling ..

.. RIP Laura

.. we love you so very much!

-------------------------------

.. along with my friends mum's passing (and the circumstances and the ensuing "stuff" for her) .. it's all rather sad .. and a rotten week ..

I gave my friend a few hours to herself by taking her daughter off her hands today .. but starting to feel like I need a break myself .. as I'm a bad one for taking on other people's stuff on my shoulders ..

..but of course it's starting to get busy out here and along with hubby's stress .. it's going to be a lot of hard work ..

Gonna give myself a few days to get over this morose feeling hanging over my head .. and depressive feelings .. and if not will be ringing my psychologist to work over a few things ..
My grandad also is not well .. so coping with it all is a bit much at the moment ..
.. but on the positive I'm acknowledging that things aren't good .. and amazingly my house isn't spotless .. which for me is good .. as normally it would

So very terrible !!!

We have just found out that this was our friend's mother .. she was in the paper a while ago: Joy Hunter's article .. but this is so terrrible ... especially to walk in to sea and then for these poor children to find her .. FARK .. so horrible!!!

I feel sick to my stomach for my friend .. and angry/sad that someone can take their own life like this .. even though my friend knew she would someday do this (as she was very vocal about euthanasia) .. but to do it this way is just horrible .. but what is the best way to commit suicide .. well no way really right ....

Her daughter would have been none the wiser as she was at the kids disco up at the hall with us in Friday night and so would have been told the next morning after she was identified .. apparently she was very planned with notes etc .. and my friend had taken this week off as a holiday .. and also to support another friend whose daughter is going up to start intensive treatment for her bone cancer ..

Arrghhhh .. so many mixed emotions .. numb .. sad for my friend ..and sad for the loss of Joy  .. so angry at her .. but more angry at the way she did it .. but one small reprieve at least I'm hoping she is now finally at peace ..

Why why why .. RIP Joy ...

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Body of woman found on foreshore identified

The body of an elderly woman found washed up on New Plymouth's foreshore has been identified by police.

Joy Mable Hunter, 78, of Eltham, 56km south-east of New Plymouth, was found on Friday by children playing on the rocks.

Her death was not suspicious and had been referred to the coroner, Sergeant Bruce Irvine said.

-NZPA

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Body found on foreshore

By LEIGHTON KEITH - Taranaki Daily News

Children playing on rocks found the body of an elderly woman on New Plymouth's foreshore yesterday.

The seven-year-olds made the grisly discovery just before 4pm and told adults who contacted police.

CIB detectives and uniformed police were quickly at the scene.

Bailey Collier, Jacob Allan and Jamie Whalley were playing on the rocks, in front of Kawaroa Park when they saw something in between the rocks.

"Me and my friends weren't really sure what it was," Bailey said.

CIB Detective Gerard Bouterey said the woman appeared to be in her 70s, with long gray hair, she was wearing dark gray tracksuit pants and a purple jacket with a tan lining.

"We don't believe it is suspicious, we just want to identify her," he said.

A post mortem would be carried out once the woman had been identified.