Homework ..

I have homework from the psychologist .. lots of it ...well it seems like a lot ..

He went to ask me to do something else .. and I said .. ahhh on top of all this .. he laughed .. I was serious ...!!!

He clicked what I was talking about .. and said well Twinz *insert my real name* .. if at the end of the week it's only one sentence that we can work on in the next session ... well at least you've thought about it ..

Phew .. thank goodness for that ..

But me being me .. it'll all get done .. but a lot of it will be done the night before the next session .. just like the last lot of stuff .. I'm a crammer like that .. was like it at school .. and you know old habits die hard right?

I mentioned my poring through the internet .. and said in theory I think this mindfulness stuff is all good .. and I like the concept .. you know all the stop smell the coffee, and don't let negative thoughts and the past or future come in to the moment ... and you know I even did it a couple of times yesterday .. but yanno not all of it I get yet ...and I am an impatient person who wants answers now .. ha to that - if only!

As part of my 'homework' I'm going to use to use a tool could diffusion .. eg instead of thinking "This sucks" or more to the point " I suck big time " .. *purely examples sometimes I really don't think I suck* - I'm to use "I am thinking this sucks" ..or "I am thinking I suck big time " to separate the actual thought .. or use the thought as a song in my head .. I really couldn't get my head around that one .. too off centre for me ...

But then when I thought about .. when really I think I should have been listening to what else he was saying *ooops* how often do I think these thoughts consciously .. and so I said to him, "... consciously I wouldn't be having these thoughts and a lot of them would be sub-conscious thoughts .. so how do you stop and change a thought that you aren't consciosuly having" ...

*insert OMG look on his face, taking a breath and then answering me* ...

He said well it becomes a learned behaviour, if you continue to do the diffusion with thoughts you are "consciously" having .. eventually the process will become automatic

.. again all good in theory .. so hopefully this will become an automatic thing in the next few days .. nah just jiving .. the next few week or months ..

But yanno there is 37 *gulp* years of cr8p swirling around in that headspace of mine up there .. and I really don't feel that it's all going to disappear overnight .. not trying to be negative .. and I feel a lot of the "stuff" we are doing in the sessions are helping .. but can you move on really , if you haven't "dealt" with stuff from the past?? I'm not too sure yet .. it's something i'll have to ask ..

Anyhoo .. there was lots of other stuff too .. and I've been given lots of reading .. but I've got two weeks to ponder it all as I can't make next weeks session .. God forbid that it all comes out on this blog ..

Ahhh .. the joys of nuttiness ...

All tools for my toolbox ...

I might just "diffuse" and go for a walk .. before it pelts down with rain ....