.. and the award goes to ...

.. so this is a big vent .. yes I feel and are a nasty mum at the moment and I know it .. but I do love my kids .. and are going to do something about it TODAY!

Well I 'think' I'm in a bad space at the moment ..

(.... and my f*ing ''c' on my laptop keeps sticking so I'm about to throw this across the room !!!)

The boys are getting on my nerves .. one is talking and swearing back at me .. the other is tantruming out of control .. and add to that the fact I've had 2 visitors in the night for the past week ..

I feel (and probably look) like hell warmed up ..

.. of course being able to 'cope' with the tyrants when they play up has gone out the window and I've turned in to a 'controlled' but yelling banshee ..

Luckily M decided to stay asleep the whole night last night .. but Missy is crook with 'another' cold .. so she's full of snot .. so I'm up and down all night with her ..

Chris is so knackered from feeding out all day ... (so basically comes home has tea, helps with the kids homework .. and then once they're in bed .. promptly falls asleep in the chair) .. but is doing the morning calf feeds so that's a bonus .. but still his answer to the kids being downright nasty and disrespectful is to ask what I did to wind them up ..

.. this morning M and Missy were fine .. C decided he didn't want to get dressed (coz it's soooo hard) .. so I put the timer on for 5 mins (in the last 10 mins leading up to us having to leave  to give 5 mins leeway .. and said that we were all getting in the car to get to the bus-stop (after lots of time warnings - ya know 15 mins, 10 mins ..etc) .. well f**k me .. the timer went off and he melts down .. while running around swearing and hiding (while I ignored the hiding - as I cleaned up the breakfast stuff .. but not accepting the swearing and telling him to stop) .. he then asked me to help him .. which is ridiculous .. but OK gave him the benefit of the doubt .. and started to help .. well meltdown city again .. and I lost it ..

... yes the Bad mum badge, award and flowers all go to me ..

.. I put him in his bedroom .. after a banshee impersonation ..

.. then later went back in and apologised and gave him hugs and kisses and told him I was sorry and that I shouldn't have done what I had .. and he was all OK ..

.. but seriously .. why does it have to be like this with one of them .. every morning ...

.. after school it's just as bad .. with one of them ready to 'attack' - I sometimes seriously dread 4 o'clock coming around as I can feel myself tense up ready for whatever happens .. and for one of them to start up ..

I know they are tired (from the new class at school) .. but what can I do .. the calves have to be fed .. they're going to bed early 6.30 - lights out at 7 .. eating properly ..

.. last night I didn't take them down to the shed at all  .. Chris fed them .. and came in absolutely knackered ..

..it helped a bit .. but then M went off about not having a particular piece of clothing to wear .. and not getting a 'new' school bag - coz the zipper fell off his bag at school ..

.. I just feel like blimmin' wanting someone with a magic wand to come along and wave it to make all the 'shit' stop and the kids to give me a bit of leeway - instead of everything having to be such a mission ..

.. I have HUGE bad mummy guilts .. well deserved in lots of cases ..

.. but there is no-one to help out with the kids at night ..and a holiday for me (or us) would just be a joke

.. I know it's the time of year .. but does everything have to be suckfull!!!

.. I'm hoping a lot of this is PMT ..

.. and while I thought the happy herbal pills were helping .. I'd hate to think what I'd be like without them ..

.. so maybe off to the GP again to have me referred is the thing to do ..

.. I can't do this anymore ..

.. it's not fair on the kids or me ..

.. so .. my plan ..

1. be organised with the kids stuff after school

2. snacks etc organised for down at the shed

3. get lunches ready at night

4. uniforms - and helping them get them on as soon as they wake up

5. me to bed by 9 or 10 ..

6. housework in the morning .. relax (if poss) in the afternoon

7. walks .. mon, tues, thurs and fri

8. go out with friends at least once every 2 weeks

9. ring psych ????

10. ... arrghhh!

...footnote - add to this .. money is tight .. I've put on 3 kgs in the past month .. I'm feeling useless .. un-appreciated and been sick .. and it's makes for great times ... so all the small things get over-exaggerated and it all mixes up to a cr*p time for all .. :-(