I got flowers ...

.. and weeds ... but flowers nonetheless

When I went to bed last night ... this is what I found waiting for me beside my bed ...

M5 said he was going to pick heaps more tomorrow ..

Ahh love my boys !

Photos

M5 and C5 ... not even posed ..                            A2 .. after jumping all over the bed ...

Do you know how hard it is to get 3 kids to look you at the same time ??

No bribes would work

.. so Photoshop might have to be the answer .. a little here .. a little from there ...

  

You can tell (well I can tell) C5 isn't feeling the best .. more on that in the next post ...

Don't want to depress this one ..

Another day tomorrow ..

My day was going great .. time with my girl .. playing and looking at the gardenn.. you know .. spring stuff ..

..... until we went to Cam's appt for X-ray and ECG ..

.......... now I feel like sh*t ... his ECG is all over the place .. and I can see it's not good ..

.. it had irregular heart beats all over it .. spikes where they shouldn't be .. and all the curves are all over the place ...

I had a feeling it wasn't going to be good ..

He's turning blue a lot more .. having lots of "tantrums" that he has when he's not well..

I actually took him to the doctor today .. as I said to the doctor .. something isn't right .. but they can't see anythin physically wrong .. just that he looks run down!

..and of course his bloods are all out ..

Sigh ... I can't worry too much (well I can and I will) ... but will leave it for the cardiologist to sort out ...

Might ask to have a 24 Holter Monitor to be done ...so they can look to see what it is going on ...

Arrgghhh...

Deep breaths!!!!

it's just a bummer ...
I don't want him to have any more surgeries this early on in the piece ......
They were talking him having a pacemaker last time .. so you never know ......
But what it comes down to is .... if he needs it well he has to have it ...

Echo next Tuesday .. hopefully will be OK .. fingers crossed .. *she says with her breath held*

Ahh another day .. tomorrow ...

Might go for a walk instead of eating .. or I might just eat !

No I am going for a walk ..!

Spring Cleaning .. of sorts ..

I'm cleaning .. heh heh .. the weekly weekend onslaught ..

I've only got to the start of the lounge ..

.. and over the vaccum cleaner .. the driveway alarm is driving me bonkers ... lol ..

The boys are going up and down collecting spring flowers .. thoughtful, lovely .. and has made a change from WW #*lost count* between them ... but the alarm has gone off about 20 times in the last 2 mins ... so off it goes .. lol ..

Yep I will forget to turn it back on ..

.. and yes someone will catch me in my PJ's and dressing gown ..

But hah .. it's the weekend!

Give a mum a break!

Oooh and I just found this while finding clipart for the post ...

The Keep it Clean Plan ..

Hah .. another blog for organising to add to my list .. lol

Homework ..

I have homework from the psychologist .. lots of it ...well it seems like a lot ..

He went to ask me to do something else .. and I said .. ahhh on top of all this .. he laughed .. I was serious ...!!!

He clicked what I was talking about .. and said well Twinz *insert my real name* .. if at the end of the week it's only one sentence that we can work on in the next session ... well at least you've thought about it ..

Phew .. thank goodness for that ..

But me being me .. it'll all get done .. but a lot of it will be done the night before the next session .. just like the last lot of stuff .. I'm a crammer like that .. was like it at school .. and you know old habits die hard right?

I mentioned my poring through the internet .. and said in theory I think this mindfulness stuff is all good .. and I like the concept .. you know all the stop smell the coffee, and don't let negative thoughts and the past or future come in to the moment ... and you know I even did it a couple of times yesterday .. but yanno not all of it I get yet ...and I am an impatient person who wants answers now .. ha to that - if only!

As part of my 'homework' I'm going to use to use a tool could diffusion .. eg instead of thinking "This sucks" or more to the point " I suck big time " .. *purely examples sometimes I really don't think I suck* - I'm to use "I am thinking this sucks" ..or "I am thinking I suck big time " to separate the actual thought .. or use the thought as a song in my head .. I really couldn't get my head around that one .. too off centre for me ...

But then when I thought about .. when really I think I should have been listening to what else he was saying *ooops* how often do I think these thoughts consciously .. and so I said to him, "... consciously I wouldn't be having these thoughts and a lot of them would be sub-conscious thoughts .. so how do you stop and change a thought that you aren't consciosuly having" ...

*insert OMG look on his face, taking a breath and then answering me* ...

He said well it becomes a learned behaviour, if you continue to do the diffusion with thoughts you are "consciously" having .. eventually the process will become automatic

.. again all good in theory .. so hopefully this will become an automatic thing in the next few days .. nah just jiving .. the next few week or months ..

But yanno there is 37 *gulp* years of cr8p swirling around in that headspace of mine up there .. and I really don't feel that it's all going to disappear overnight .. not trying to be negative .. and I feel a lot of the "stuff" we are doing in the sessions are helping .. but can you move on really , if you haven't "dealt" with stuff from the past?? I'm not too sure yet .. it's something i'll have to ask ..

Anyhoo .. there was lots of other stuff too .. and I've been given lots of reading .. but I've got two weeks to ponder it all as I can't make next weeks session .. God forbid that it all comes out on this blog ..

Ahhh .. the joys of nuttiness ...

All tools for my toolbox ...

I might just "diffuse" and go for a walk .. before it pelts down with rain ....

Talk, talk, talk ....

BE WARNED .. This is a total ramble .. once you start reading you'll know what I mean - lol ...

Oh the magic of hindsight and saving drafts ..

I'm off to see my psych. this morning. Thank goodness for his help ..

Temperature this morning .. this says it all .. thanks Cara!



You know I'm actually a very shy kind of person ... not extroverted or attention seeking .. and yet ..get me on the internet and boy can I talk ..

OK in real life I can talk too .. on the right subjects .. and yes I do talk fast .. but that's more my anxiety stuff coming out ..

I think about that a lot, especially when I'm walking or have a quiet time to myself .. I have conversations in my head, sort out my worries, devise plans, have discussions with someone/anyone who has rarked me off ..

Luckily these conversations aren't out loud .. or I'd be shipped off in a white coat to la-la land ..

.. but for me they are calming (mostly) ..

I tend to over think things too much I know .. but in the past month with doing things for myself .. I feel a calmer me .. just waiting to break out .. of course there is the odd time, this is all absolute rubbish but you know I have to cut myself a break ..

When I'm out I'm not really the shrinking violet kind, but you know I'm not a person to go out and make a big thing about myself either .. just quite happy to sip a few drinks .. take things easy, but dance til the cows come in ..

I always wondered if I was in the wrong job .. as I always start to wake up (and rev up) around 10pm .. and can go most of the night .. but come morning .. holy smoke .. like the saying says .. I don't do mornings!!

Night shift I hear does havoc to your body .. but well my ordinary job during the day it wrecked havoc both to my head and my body .. TALK ABOUT STRESS!!! Banking now doesn't even interest me! Yet it was my saving grace when I was pg with A2 and during my 'bad period' when the boys were toddlers ....

That was completely off the subject .. but anyhoo ..

Now talk .. I can talk to people I know .. and also people I don't know but get introduced too .. I find I can talk to most people in any level of management, doctors, specialists, world class surgeons .. you know the type I'm talking about ... (I treat them with respect for their knowledge in their specialty, but when it comes down to it, they are people with families (most of them), just taking one day at a time just like everybody else ..) ... but when the conversation goes quiet .. well you know I rack my brains for something else to say .. and usually this is when my anxiety steps up to the plate and I start thinking .. man these people are going to think I'm a complete idiot .. what can I think of to say next ... aaahhh but they may well be thinking the same thing...

My therapist is learning I'm not afraid to talk or tell it like it is ..in fact our sessions whizz by .. and a lot of that is me talking ..lol.

He told me once he was quite taken aback when he first contacted me to make the initial introduction and set up a session as I cut him off before he went in to it all and told him could I ring him back, as it wasn't the best time to talk .. he said to me he was like ... umm .. yep OK .. He hadn't been expecting that and probably certainly not from reading my case notes. He'd been told that I could be abrupt sometimes ... but it was not a sign of me being rude, but more my nervousness coming out .. yep .. my ex-therapist hit it right on the nail .. nervous yep, not expecting a psychologist to ring my cell-phone, a male I didn't know at that .. and nope I've never seen a psychologist before in my life .. (well maybe I have and have forgotten .. ) but anyway .. damn it all he rang during lunch with the girls ..heh heh..

Yet ..(I'm now getting back to my whole point ).. when people meet me .. and they think they are getting to know me .. I can see they have no idea that I am the quiet, reserved, self-depreciating, negative and anxious person I see myself as ... hah so there you go .. I can fool the world ..

Now the funny thing is I used to worry a lot about how reserved I was would reflect in my kids ..but the two boys are sooo different .. C5 doesn't stop talking from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed at night .. I sometimes wonder if he takes a breath before his brain starts thinking about the next thing to talk about .. now M5 he's the strong silent type .. but will finish sentences for C5 or tell the same story but in different words altogether .. (As an aside - He loves to sing and dance .. but I have to say sadly he dances a lot like his dad .. with no rhythm or seems to be dancing to some other tune in their head .. heh heh .). Missy - she's a real groover and a talker . .and singer .. I can see Singstar is going to be her favourite thing in the world in the future .. (along with fast cars, bikes and mud!) ..

Now my singing .. well that's a whole different kettle of fish ..

It's getting warmer and the days are sunny ..

Like Sarah Bean way saying ... it must be spring .. (hope you don't mind Sarah - :-))

The nights are warmer .. it's a lot more sunny during the day .. daffodils are springing up down the driveway, along the bank, in the paddocks .. in fact everywhere you look ..

and best of all ..

My moods even with all the stuff going on .. are lifting ..

   

What am I doing on these beautiful days ..

WASHING !!!

Marvelous ...

Might go for a walk while the machine does it's stuff ....

30 mins and counting ...

Today we all got up late .. (tag team again last night, along with musical beds, knew it would happen with A2 not wanting dinner, M5's meltdown and C5 being rather off all week)

The bus comes at 8am to get the boys .. we woke up at 7.30am ..OK I woke up at 7.30am .. and I freaked out and woke the boys up ..

I'm not a mum who is organized (even though she reads a blog that is devoted to getting organized -lol) .. so I rushed to get breakfast ready, lunches packed, homework books signed .. and hurrying the boys dressed) ..

A2 slept on and funny enough woke up just as we were walking past her door to put everything in the car ..

There were no tantrums, no yelling from me (a miracle!!), breakfast was eaten, everything just quietly ticked along, we got in the car (A2 in her PJ's but they were pretty ones though .. but her hair looked as thought birds were considering nesting in it) ... and we got to the end of the driveway .. and WAITED for the bus ..

Ha ha .. it can be done ..

.. and all in 30 mins !!!

Someone give us a High 5 ..

YAHOO!!!

He just walked away ...

We had meltdown city here after dinner last night ..

You know the shoes I got the boys .. well I got M5 some squiggly laces for his old sneakers so he could use them as an old pair .. he LOVES the laces ..

All fine and dandy ..

Well for some reason last night ..he got the scissors and cut the squiggly laces in C5's shoes ... and was very happy with himself ..

Of course C5 was very unhappy .. and I was not impressed of course ...

After all the din settled down *insert starting of WW #10*, I changed my usual tact, and said to M5 what he thought should happen as a result of his actions .. he said "take my shoes of me" ..*insert sullen tone*

So I did . .they are now up the top of the cupboard .. and I again he LOVES these shoes now .. forget the new ones ..

So for the next hour he was very unhappy about this decision.. he eventually stopped trying to trash the house/room/clothes etc ... *insert toddler-like tantrum*

He woke up this morning expecting to have the shoes, again I told him why he was not to have them and that this is a consequence of his actions ..

...and ....

He said OK ..

and walked away ..

Go figure ..

Phew for that ..

Sign of the times ...

Pop's doing OK .. he has been admitted for the next few days for monitoring ..

It's a sign of our wonderful health system however, when an 85yr old goes in to the hospital at 9.30am, and finally at 4.30pm that night he is taken up to the ward and given a bed, after "waiting" in the hallway of the hospital in the draft of the opening and closing of the door, without so much of a glimpse of a nurse checking to see how they are doing for hours on end.

My mum and Nana (who herself isn't the best) had to struggle with getting his jacket on as he started to shiver ... he is very slight, but when they aren't able to move much themselves it's a tough task lifting and moving him around on your own. Luckily mum found a nurse who was able to help ..

My Aunty is in higher management level at the hospital and hates to use the "it's not what you know it's who you know" stance when things are moving like a wet week in Winter .. but when the Ward Manager heard that it was her f-i-l things suddenly started rolling a lot quicker than they would have otherwise ..

The sad thing we know how busy the nurses are and all the jobs they have to do, but it's sad that there aren't enough resources to cover the numbers of patients coming in ..

The thing that makes me mad about all this is ...

Taranaki to benefit from $80 million hospital revamp

Don't get me wrong it will be great to upgraded facilities, and help to attract doctors, nurses and specialists and like to the region .. but how about throwing some money at the nurses to attract them to the job in the first place!

In another area altogether ..

My sister gave up her job as a nurse at the hospital, then as a Reg. Nurse at a rest home, because she couldn't face it after years of 'seeing' how the "clients" were looked after like in a production line .. she even thought of going to the papers, but it was when things weren't the best with her and her ex-husband, and she couldn't face the stress of that as well.

She is a lovely person who makes anyone she meets (even if it's for the first time) feel looked after and important, but if she took the time to talk to the people in her care she was rapped over the knuckles and of course all of her other jobs (that others from the night roster couldn't quite get to), would pile up.

How sad is that, made to feel guilty that you took the time out of your day to make someone feel special.

These people weren't just there for a holiday, she was in the respite wing of the resthome/hospital, these people didn't have much longer on this earth and she was trying to make the rest of the time they had happy and comfortable ... but because of the lack of resources and time, she was unable to do what she thought would help them get through the day.

Maybe it's a family trait - we care too much .. but how can you not!

New blog header ... and grandparents

OK - So I've finally got to get the blog header relatively on it's way to finished .. a lot of the images are from flickr that caught my attention ... they'll probably all change each month .. or week ... such that my moods change ..

The one of me .. I look like a ghoul .. lol .. very pasty .. and of course distorted by Photoshop using paint-brush strokes ...

Still waiting to hear any more about my Pop .. he is having tests ..the doctor said he has got signs of a chest infection and bronchitis too ...

He turned 85 last week .. and my Nana turns 85 next March ...

I think it sometimes makes it harder when your Grandparents get so ill when you are an adult too .. you've grown up with them being there .. and of course have developed strong relationships with them ..

Love you Pop and Nana ..

I also have both my Paternal Grandparents .. my grandad is 92 and my Nana is 85 ..

My fondest memory is snuggling up in Grandad's lap .. and feel so safe and happy and loved.

Also staying at my Nana and Pop's during the holidays and waking up to my Weetbix all set up on the table ... and warm milk being poured ready for me to start breakfast ... the memory still lingers and I can smell it now .. mmmm.

Funny thing is I don't particularly like Weetbix now .. but maybe it's because it's not made the same as Nana used to do!

DH's granny passed in Feb the year we were looking to start IVF .. we were really close .. and I still miss her! She was 92 ... and so very co-herent and very intelligent .. completing the cross-word every morning.

My pop has been taken to the hospital

I'm in a bit of a muddle ..
mum rang to say my pop has had a stroke or something nasty ..
he lost 7 hours yesterday and was doing his usual routine etc, that he does every day like what he does when he gets up .. at 2 yesterday .. and was out in the rain really angry that they had forgotten his paper ... when it was 3pm in the afternoon
he's just been taken to hospital ..

Some songs .. I'm listening to today ..

The house works half way done ... so it's time for a half-time music break ..

Listening to my Cd MySongs ..36 Feel Good Hits

Whats on it ..well.. here's the song list ..

CD1.
Dreams in my head (Anika Moa)
Big girls don't cry (Fergie)
4 in the morning (Gwen Stefani)
Makes me wonder (Maroon 5)
Hey there Delilah (Plain White T's)
Bubbly (Colbie Caillat)
Strong (Annabel Fay)
You give me something (James Morrison)
Suddenly I see (KT Tunstall)
Put your records on (Corinne Bailey Rae)
Smile (Lily Allen)
She moves in her own way (The Kooks)
First time (Lifehouse)
Waiting now (Opshop)
Colorful (Rocco DeLuca & The Burden)
Waiting for the world to change (John Mayer)
Forever young (Youth Group)
Bathe in the river (Mt Raskil Preservation Society feat. Hollie Smith).

CD2.
Grace Kelly (Mika)
Push the button (Sugababes)
I don't feel like dancin' (Scissor Sisters)
When I get you alone (Thicke)
America (Razorlight)
Now the sun is out (Greg Johnson)
When will I see your face again (Jamie Scott & The Town)
Jump into the sun (Goldenhorse)
Is it any wonder? (Keane)
Couldn't be done (Tim Finn)
Patience (Take That)
The closest thing to crazy (Katie Melua)
Getting stronger (Adeaze feat. Aaradhna)
Rock steady (All Saints)
Out of reach (Gabrielle)
Mr rock & roll (Amy MacDonald) 
These are the days (Jamie Cullum) 
Thinking about you (Norah Jones

Here are some great songs ...

Bubbly - Colbie Caillat

I've been awake for a while now
you've got me feelin like a child now
cause every time I see your bubbly face
I get the tinglies in a silly place

C: It starts in my toes
and I crinkle my nose
where ever it goes I always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

The rain is fallin on my window pane
but we are hidin in a safer place
under covers stayin dry *(safe) and warm
you give me feelins that I adore

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

B: What am I gonna say
when you make me feel this way
I just........mmmmmm

C: It starts in my toes
make me crinkle my nose
where ever it goes
i always know
that you make me smile
please stay for a while now
just take your time
where ever you go

I've been asleep for a while now
You tucked me in just like a child now
Cause every time you hold me in your arms
I'm comfortable enough to feel your warmth
C: It starts in my soul
And I lose all control
When you kiss my nose
The feelin shows
Cause you make me smile
Baby just take your time now
Holdin me tight
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever, where ever, where ever you go
Where ever you go, I'll always know
Cause you make me smile here, just for a while

Lifehouse - The first time ..

We're both looking for something
We've been afraid to find
It's easier to be broken
It's easier to hide
Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance letting you inside
I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky, under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time
The world that I see inside you
Waiting to come to life
Waking me up to dreaming
Reality in your eyes
Looking at you, holding my breath
For once in my life I'm scared to death
I'm taking a chance letting you inside
I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the sky, under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love to feel for the first time
We're crashing
Into the unknown
We're lost in this
But it feels like home
I'm feeling alive all over again
As deep as the scar that's under my skin
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Maybe I'm wrong, I'm feeling right
Where I belong with you tonight
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Like being in love to feel for the first time
Like being in love, she says, for the first time
Like being in love to feel for the first time

Suddenly I See - KT Tunstall

Her face is a map of the world
Is a map of the world
You can see she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
And everything around her is a silver pool of light
The people who surround her feel the benefit of it
It makes you calm
She holds you captivated in her palm
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
I feel like walking the world
Like walking the world
You can hear she's a beautiful girl
She's a beautiful girl
She fills up every corner like she's born in black and white
Makes you feel warmer when you're trying to remember
What you heard
She likes to leave you hanging on her word
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me
And she's taller than most
And she's looking at me
I can see her eyes looking from a page in a magazine
Oh she makes me feel like I could be a tower
A big strong tower
She got the power to be
The power to give
The power to see
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
This is what I wanna be
Suddenly I see (Suddenly I see)
Why the hell it means so much to me

An e-mail ...

I have no idea why I'm posting this ..

IN MY CIRCLE

I used to believe in the concept of one best friend,
and then I started to become a woman.
And then I found out that if you allow your heart to open up,
you'll see the best in many friends.

One friend is needed when you're going through things with your man.
Another friend is needed when you're going through things with your mum.
Another when you want to shop, share, heal, hurt, joke, or just be.
One friend will say, "Let's cry together,"
another, "Let's fight together,"
another, "Let's walk away together."

One friend will meet your spiritual need,
another your shoe fetish,
another your love for movies,
another will be with you in your season of confusion,
another will be your clarifier,
another the wind beneath your wings.

But whatever their assignment in your life,
on whatever the occasion,
on whatever the day,
or wherever you need them to meet you with their gym shoes on and hair pulled back,
or to hold you back from making a complete fool of yourself .
those are your best friends.

It may all be wrapped up in one woman,
but for many, it's wrapped up in several...
one from 7 th grade,
one from high school,
several from the college years,
a couple from old jobs,
on some days your mother,
on some days your neighbor,
on others, your sisters,
and on some days, your daughters.

Some more on mindfulness ...

Just been thinking about this a bit ... here's some more on the view-point ...

From: K C Mindfulness

Wake Up!

Image from Flickr

I thought I would begin to feature some of the "pages" on this blog; below is my "Wake Up!" page, which I first wrote while I was teaching mindfulness-based interventions to graduate students at Avila University; it was intended to help them understand some of the reasons that meditation might help some of their clients, and also for them to use as a hand-out or instructional tool for clients:

WAKE UP!

To what’s going on

Around you

AND

Inside your head

If you pay attention to what is going on in your mind, you will find that there is a near-constant stream of chatter. Our brains seem to be talking, and engaging in commentary, all the time: sometimes about the past (“I really wish I had not done that!”), sometimes about the present (“this is really nice!” or “I hate this!”) and sometimes about the future (“I hope I get the job!” and “I am so scared that I will fail.”).

This “chatter” represents normal brain function; it is simply something that the brain does, when it is not occupied in deliberate problem-solving. The brain generates thoughts, emotions, impulses, and physical sensations. However, most of us are unaware of most of what the brain is “saying,” nearly all the time! Instead, we let it go on, chattering outside of our awareness, while we go off into autopilot. If we are not actively making an effort to pay attention, many of our complex behaviors (driving to work; walking down the hall to the mailbox; eating meals) occur while we are in a sort of autopilot state. This does not necessarily mean that we are functioning poorly (any outside observer would say that we are doing just fine); but if we are in that autopilot state, we clearly are not living fully. And we may also be putting ourselves at risk for various problems such as depression, anxiety disorders, and impulsive and compulsive behaviors (including addictions). We may find, upon reflection, that our lives simply are not what we would like them to be.

There are any number of patterns into which internal chatter might fall. For some people, brooding about the past is prominent. I might endlessly and repetitively recall and re-hash episodes from my past, critically judging my decisions and my behavior, maybe even wallowing in regret and self-hatred.

Another pattern involves the future: I might be a chronic worrier, constantly bringing into mind scenarios in which disasters and catastrophes will likely take place. This can be accompanied by a constant effort to problem-solve or problem-prevent: “What will I do if this happens? What if that happens? How can I keep either of those things from happening?”

One very important pattern that appears in all of our mental landscape falls under the heading of “habit.” We all are aware that we have behavioral habits; we also have mental habits. Our capacity to develop habits is, overall, a very positive thing; we could not function efficiently if we had to think through every step we take in life, constantly “reinventing the wheel.” However, the negative side of habit-formation is clearly evident, as well. Many of our habits would be readily identified as “bad habits.” Our brains are structured in such a way that anything that is repeated often enough becomes a sort of a preferred, or even “default” option. If I am accustomed to taking a certain route when I drive home from work every day, then it takes a certain amount of effort to change my route. That driving route has become a (benign) habit. By the same token, if I have begun a pattern of eating a bowl of Cherry Garcia ice cream after dinner in the evenings, then it will take some effort to refrain from eating it on any given evening, and I will feel a strong urge to buy more of it when I go to the grocery store.
These patterns, mental and behavioral, can lead to serious problems:

• Brooding contributes to depression


• Worrying contributes to anxiety disorders


• Habit makes unhealthy behaviors more difficult to avoid

The tricky thing about these patterns is that they tend to go on outside of our awareness. We can see the outcomes that naturally arise out of the patterns (in unhappiness and in behaviors we don’t like, but can’t seem to control); but we fail to see the mind-states that contribute to these outcomes. We tend to be mystified by our own behaviors and emotional states. We feel as if they are outside of our control.

But, what if we shift our focus away from the outcome to the cause? What if we begin to develop the habit of awareness of our own mental functioning (especially our thoughts, emotions, impulses, and physical sensations), and develop our capacity to detach from counterproductive patterns, before they have a chance to manifest themselves as significant problems?

As it turns out, we can exercise our human capacity for freedom by deciding to develop our ability to direct and re-direct our attention. Since we know that our mental habits are contributing to unhappiness in our lives, the arena for choice becomes situated within our minds. We can let these patterns continue to go on chattering, outside of awareness (in which case we have no control over them); or we can pay attention, so that when they are operative, we can gently detach from them, and redirect attention to something more worthwhile.

How do we do that? As Jeff Schwartz says, “Attention must be paid.” One way that many, many people have successfully brought a greater degree of freedom into their lives is called mindfulness practice, which is a sort of umbrella term that covers a variety of practices or types of meditation. This can involve formal, silent “sitting meditation,” sometimes for long periods of time; and it can involve “everyday” mindfulness, when we remember to pay close attention to a particular activity. For example: Washing the dishes, we deliberately notice all the thoughts, sensations, and emotions that arises during the period of time that we are doing that task.

A new week .. dum di de dah *whistle* .. my life as I know it ...

Another 700g down .. WAHOO !!!!!!

Plan for the rest of the week .. walk, walk, walk ... lol.

I'll look in to the cross-trainer next week ... or pull out the stepper from the midst of dust and cobwebs in the cupboard!

The boys had a teachers only day today .. so we visited NP for my weigh in, went to the beach and the boys had an ice-cream and played in the surf a while .. in the freezing cold surf .. let me add!

As I watched and they squealed and laughed as the waves came in .. I was thinking to myself .. how cool is this .. not a care in the world .. 700g down ... ahhh life ...

Then the plan was to get new sand shoes, groceries and lunch at a cafe with my boys .. so we did the groceries, we did the shoe thing - the boys got 2 pairs .. it was only supposed to be 1, but they had a 2 for the price of 1 sale on sneakers ... and so I thought .. well why not .. and got them some scuff ones too .. I was going to take a photo .. but they've all ready been in the mud with them both .. such are my boys .. lunch .. well M5 fell asleep on the way back .. so I picked A2 up from the carer 1/2 an hour early (who I had left earlier this morning very upset me leaving, (A2 not the carer - lol) but came back to, moosh and fingers all covered in chocolate from the party food as it was the carer's birthday and she thought everyone should join in the fun . .so they had a party with balloons, balloon animals etc ... lots of fun!!) and we all went to the cafe .. where halfway through lunch (albeit up and down with C5 going to the toilet 3 times !!!!!) ... the boys tell me they aren't hungry anyway .. so I doggy-bagged up their lunch .. when really I should have just put them in bags in the first place .. and we hustled it to the bank, and then a friends for a coffee .. late but not so late as we couldn't have a coffee before the cows were due to be brought in ..

Then homeward bound .. and I was able to get lunch in before going off to do the calves on my own, as DH is helping his sister with the building of their new house, and today it was all about putting a solar heating system in ...

So now I sit here pondering my chicken soup for dinner .. and hopefully DH will bring hamburgers, hot-dogs and chips for the kids ..

After last nights musical beds .. I feel pretty knackered .. and hope to get to bed early .. but again alas .. no go .. it's GST time again .. and no matter how many times I swear I will get it done early it's due in 3 days .. and nope it isn't done!

Aaahhhh .. life is fun huh!

PS while writing this I've had a chocolate afghan .. ooopppss !!!!

Mindfulness and Pandora's Box of Photo memories

A recent post over at "Stepping Over Junk" has got me thinking :-), about all the memories I have stored on my laptop (and backed up on my external drives, CD's and DVD's ..yes I'm obsessive!).

... the boys first attempts at sitting, crawling, walking .. their scrounging .. their first swim .. baths .. and then Little Missy's antics .. and firsts also .. and also all the days and fun I've captured on film ..

I took photos of her and the boys every month in the first year .. and I'd love to get myself organised and do a sequenced photobucket film ... just to see the changes ...

You can tell the spaces where I was 'unwell' as there are less photos . .and then when I was pregnant with Missy .. they are far and few between, as I couldn't hold my head up very far from the toilet let alone, hold a camera much ...

I was looking back and as well as making me laugh, cry (happy tears) .. and smile ... there are a few sad moments too where the emotions were way too over-whelming so I took photos and more photos to capture the moment .. after all that's what photos do huh?

I figured I have 12,213 photos to sort out .. a sign of the age of the digital camera ... not all are the best shots .. but I kind of feel, that the photos have captured the souls of the people in them .. and find I rarely delete a photo (unless of course it's blurry or out of focus etc) I don't really know why .. I just feel this need to keep everything .. just in case .. a grand distinguishing feature of my anxieties?

I'm in kind of an obsessive frame of mind this week, my Psychologist has dug where it has made me kind of uncomfortable. .. nothing that he has done, but more me having to shift away from the complete denial and start "thinking" about why and what I'm thinking and how this is impacting on how I am coping (well not coping) with day to day things .. and other "normal" things.

We've (well he has) talked a lot about Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy .. and as part of this I am to keep a "thought" diary if you will to help break down the thought cycle I have .. it's interesting stuff .. really, but kind of scary too .. I've done some digging on the Internet as I do .. and it all sounds fair enough in theory .. so .. here's hoping ..

From the website: MBSR Programs

About the Practice of Mindfulness

Mindfulness can be described as intentionally paying attention to the present moment without being pulled into the mind’s usual elaborations of judgment, internal dialog and the emotional reactions such elaborations can trigger. It is being with the experience of the moment with gentle compassion and a strong disciplined intention to simply stay present with whatever is happening in the moment, allowing space for the experience to raise and fall away without adding our usual overlay of suffering, frustration or panic. More about Mindfulness.


In this program, we will learn to come into and remain in the richness of the present moment. We will focus on bringing our attention to our breath, physical sensations, thoughts and feelings through a variety of meditation techniques including mindful yoga, sitting, walking and eating meditation as well as mindful speaking and listening.

How will what I will learn through MBSR help to reduce my stress?

Stress research has shown us that it is not so much the stressor itself, but how it is perceived and what the mind/body does in reaction to that perception that’s determines whether or not we experience distress in response to a stressor.


By cultivating mindfulness we learn to relate to our experience with less anxiety and fear, allowing more space between experience and perception. With this skill, we can move from mindless reactivity to skillful response, from a sense of urgency to a calm inner peace. We bring a more compassionate attitude towards ourselves and our situations and therefore cause ourselves less suffering through unskillful reactive habits (e.g. a host of addictions, venting anger inappropriately, poor self care).


The skills learned through MBSR training can help reconnect us with our sense of wholeness regardless of what challenges we are facing. We can experience greater balance in our lives regardless of how chaotic things may appear from the outside.


These skills can be helpful to those living with work or family stress, relationship issues, mid-life transitions, emotional and psychological challenges, chronic pain or physical illness.

Those who practice mindfulness techniques, commonly report experiencing:

- A relaxed awareness of the present moment
- Enhanced psychological flexibility
- Release of unhelpful attachment or aversion
- Greater stress tolerance and impulse control
- Clarity and awareness of thought patterns
- Greater insight

From the paper :

Mindfulness Training as a Clinical Intervention: A Conceptual and Empirical Review

- Ruth A. Baer, University of Kentucky.

Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy
Teasdale, Segal, and Williams (1995) proposed that the skills of attentional control taught in mindfulness meditation could be helpful in preventing relapse of major depressive episodes.


Their information-processing theory of depressive relapse suggests that individuals who have experienced major depressive episodes are vulnerable to recurrences whenever mild dysphoric states are encountered, because these states may reactivate the depressive thinking patterns present during the previous episode, or episodes, thus precipitating a new episode.


Mindfulness-based cognitive therapy (MBCT) is a manualized (Segal, Williams, & Teasdale, 2002) 8-week group intervention based largely on Kabat-Zinn’s (1990) MBSR program.


It incorporates elements of cognitive therapy that facilitate a detached or decentered view of one’s thoughts, including statements such as “thoughts are not facts” and “I am not my thoughts.” This decentered approach also is applied to emotions and bodily sensations.


MBCT is designed to prevent depressive relapse by teaching formerly depressed individuals to observe their thoughts and feelings nonjudgmentally, and to view them simply as mental events that come and go, rather than as aspects of themselves, or as necessarily accurate reflections of reality.


This attitude toward depression related cognitions is believed to prevent the escalation of negative thoughts into ruminative patterns (Teasdale et al., 1995).

Heaps more is on Google .. but this I found interesting too.

Mindfulness Based Cognitive Therapy (UK site)

How does mindfulness help reduce the downward mood spirals?

1. When we enter a phase in our lives when we are vulnerable to depression, we lose touch with what is going on around us. It is a sort of tunnel vision: we can only see part of the landscape. We do not notice the moment when a spiral of low mood is starting.

Mindfulness practice helps us to see more clearly the patterns of the mind; and to learn how recognise when our mood is beginning to go down. This means we can ‘nip it in the bud’ much earlier than before.

2. The very ‘losing touch’ with things can put a barrier between ourselves and the small things in life that might have given us pleasure. This tendency can become extreme in clinical depression where it is known as ‘anhedonia’ (lack of pleasure from things we used to enjoy). But we all may know the feeling, especially when there is too much to do at work or home, or we are preoccupied on a project, when we don’t notice the small pleasures around us.

Mindfulness teaches us a way in which we can get back in touch with the experience of being alive.

3. Low mood can bring back memories and thoughts from the past, and make us worry about the future.

Mindfulness helps to halt the escalation of these negative thoughts and teaches us to focus on the present moment, rather than reliving the past or pre-living the future.

4. When we start to feel low, we tend to react as if our emotions were a problem to be solved: we start trying to use our critical thinking strategies. When these do not work, we re-double our efforts to use them. We end up over-thinking, brooding, ruminating, living in our heads.

Mindfulness helps us to enter an alternative mode of mind that includes thinking but is bigger than thinking. It teaches us to shift mental gears, from the mode of mind dominated by critical thinking (likely to provoke and accelerate downward mood spirals) to another mode of mind in which we experience the world directly, non-conceptually, and non-judgementally.

5. When we have been depressed, we dread it coming back. At its first sign, we may try to suppress the symptoms, pretend they aren’t there, or push away any unwanted thoughts or memories. But such suppression often does not work, and the very things we tried to get rid of come back with renewed force.

Mindfulness takes a different approach. It helps develop our willingness to experience emotions, our capacity to be open to even painful emotions. It helps give us the courage to allow distressing mood, thoughts and sensations to come and go, without battling with them. We discover that difficult and unwanted thoughts and feelings can be held in awareness, and seen from an altogether different perspective - a perspective that brings with it a sense of warmth and compassion to the suffering we are experiencing.

Phew all sounds fair enough to me .. I don't know what is worrying me about it .. well I do really .. but that's a whole new Pandora's box ..

Anyhoo ..

I baked today too .. after last weekend with no butter ..heh heh .. so muffins, jam drops, choc. fudge cake and afghans ..oh and lunch a quiche, were the order of the day and half it is is gone already .. All yum .. and admit I tasted the choc fudge cake .. it was too much to ignore .

So goodness knows what the scales will say tomorrow .. I wasn't in the best both in mind and body this week (another headcold!!!), so Thursday and Friday were bad choice in the food dept, but tomorrow is a new week .. and I must look in to hiring a cross trainer!!!

It's the last day of the Olympics too .. would love to sit up and watch the closing ceremony .. but alas .. I'm far too tired ..instead I'm waiting for DH's washing to finish so I can hang it out on the airer and then I can head off to bed ..

...and we have our own tag team Olympics event here anyway called "which one.. will wake mum up tonight" . and so far the boys are holding their own (C5 last night and M5 the night before) with Little Missy also not letting the team kids side down by coming in also at about 4.30am ... saying "reach .... drink" ... arrgghhh!!! *picture headbanging here*

**** A reminder to myself ... I just thought about what the psychologist said about ways of coping and dealing with M5's behaviour lately .. and it is a whole new post .. but was an interesting concept .. again all sounding great in therapy ,. and I'm hoping if I follow it through it will help abate things a bit more...

Some light relief ...

Only in New Zealand!!!!

Where old phones go!

. . ..everyone of these sheep is made from telephones and cords . . check out their feet!!!

Typical ...........

Arggghhhhh !!!

Typical ..

C5's echo appointment is on the same day that the boys have their first ever Cross Country School event ...

I've rang to try and change the appointment .. and it was like I was asking for the world ...

They said they will get back to me tomorrow if they can change it ..

He really, really wants to do the cross country just like everybody else, understandably ..

I swore that his heart wouldn't be the 'cause that he couldn't do things just like everybody else .. and here is the perfect example!

Grrrrr!

Mail .. just when you least expect it .. part II

Well the mail this morning had an appointment for the visiting paediatric cardiologist later in September .. so that's one question answered ..

The answer to the next question is solved too ... the year has "flown by" .. and when they said annual to bi-annual checks and visits last year ... well looking back it was October last year he was last seen by the specialist from Auckland ..

So there you go ..

Fingers crossed all goes well ..

Pays not to panic huh ??

Blood pressure slowly coming down ...

Yeah right !!



PS .. another 500g lost .. so 3kg in total in 2 weeks .. and this week I was able to make "choices" .. so could choose what I like out of 2 or 3 things in a meal option .. yay ...