Oh the magic of hindsight and saving drafts ..
I'm off to see my psych. this morning. Thank goodness for his help ..
Temperature this morning .. this says it all .. thanks Cara!
You know I'm actually a very shy kind of person ... not extroverted or attention seeking .. and yet ..get me on the internet and boy can I talk ..
OK in real life I can talk too .. on the right subjects .. and yes I do talk fast .. but that's more my anxiety stuff coming out ..
I think about that a lot, especially when I'm walking or have a quiet time to myself .. I have conversations in my head, sort out my worries, devise plans, have discussions with someone/anyone who has rarked me off ..
Luckily these conversations aren't out loud .. or I'd be shipped off in a white coat to la-la land ..
.. but for me they are calming (mostly) ..
I tend to over think things too much I know .. but in the past month with doing things for myself .. I feel a calmer me .. just waiting to break out .. of course there is the odd time, this is all absolute rubbish but you know I have to cut myself a break ..
When I'm out I'm not really the shrinking violet kind, but you know I'm not a person to go out and make a big thing about myself either .. just quite happy to sip a few drinks .. take things easy, but dance til the cows come in ..
I always wondered if I was in the wrong job .. as I always start to wake up (and rev up) around 10pm .. and can go most of the night .. but come morning .. holy smoke .. like the saying says .. I don't do mornings!!
Night shift I hear does havoc to your body .. but well my ordinary job during the day it wrecked havoc both to my head and my body .. TALK ABOUT STRESS!!! Banking now doesn't even interest me! Yet it was my saving grace when I was pg with A2 and during my 'bad period' when the boys were toddlers ....
That was completely off the subject .. but anyhoo ..
Now talk .. I can talk to people I know .. and also people I don't know but get introduced too .. I find I can talk to most people in any level of management, doctors, specialists, world class surgeons .. you know the type I'm talking about ... (I treat them with respect for their knowledge in their specialty, but when it comes down to it, they are people with families (most of them), just taking one day at a time just like everybody else ..) ... but when the conversation goes quiet .. well you know I rack my brains for something else to say .. and usually this is when my anxiety steps up to the plate and I start thinking .. man these people are going to think I'm a complete idiot .. what can I think of to say next ... aaahhh but they may well be thinking the same thing...
My therapist is learning I'm not afraid to talk or tell it like it is ..in fact our sessions whizz by .. and a lot of that is me talking ..lol.
He told me once he was quite taken aback when he first contacted me to make the initial introduction and set up a session as I cut him off before he went in to it all and told him could I ring him back, as it wasn't the best time to talk .. he said to me he was like ... umm .. yep OK .. He hadn't been expecting that and probably certainly not from reading my case notes. He'd been told that I could be abrupt sometimes ... but it was not a sign of me being rude, but more my nervousness coming out .. yep .. my ex-therapist hit it right on the nail .. nervous yep, not expecting a psychologist to ring my cell-phone, a male I didn't know at that .. and nope I've never seen a psychologist before in my life .. (well maybe I have and have forgotten .. ) but anyway .. damn it all he rang during lunch with the girls ..heh heh..
Yet ..(I'm now getting back to my whole point ).. when people meet me .. and they think they are getting to know me .. I can see they have no idea that I am the quiet, reserved, self-depreciating, negative and anxious person I see myself as ... hah so there you go .. I can fool the world ..
Now the funny thing is I used to worry a lot about how reserved I was would reflect in my kids ..but the two boys are sooo different .. C5 doesn't stop talking from the time he wakes up in the morning until he goes to bed at night .. I sometimes wonder if he takes a breath before his brain starts thinking about the next thing to talk about .. now M5 he's the strong silent type .. but will finish sentences for C5 or tell the same story but in different words altogether .. (As an aside - He loves to sing and dance .. but I have to say sadly he dances a lot like his dad .. with no rhythm or seems to be dancing to some other tune in their head .. heh heh .). Missy - she's a real groover and a talker . .and singer .. I can see Singstar is going to be her favourite thing in the world in the future .. (along with fast cars, bikes and mud!) ..
Now my singing .. well that's a whole different kettle of fish ..
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